


Ramblings

by MisanthropyMuse



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Not Canon Compliant, PTSD John, Possibly Pre-Slash, Post-Episode: s02e03 The Reichenbach Fall, Pre-Season/Series 03, Reunions, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 22:08:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17232098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MisanthropyMuse/pseuds/MisanthropyMuse
Summary: Sherlock is gone and with him John's reasoning.Stream of consciousness about Jonh's pain after the Fall.Chapters could seem very loosely linked chronologically, but each can be read as a stand-alone.





	1. I never had anything

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Ramblings](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17231930) by [MisanthropyMuse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MisanthropyMuse/pseuds/MisanthropyMuse). 



Your eyes opened against the clear sky empty and cold bright gems studs in the jewel of your face broken porcelain covered in blood your pulse stopped your fresh breath gone air feels too much without you breathing it and my life crashes down like walls shaken by the earthquake of your death it’s unbelievable how two hours are enough to feel your absence already water in the desert how two years are too much to keep dreaming of you every night the last battle of a lost war and waking up screaming your name cursing destiny and getting up to face another series of steps and breaths because my heart still beats and my eyes won’t stay closed the light of day follows me in my room so different floods my studio apartment so empty and quiet _I never had anything that wasn’t yours_ it hunts me through London already awake alive full bustling the neon lights follow the busy underground not one free seat and my right leg quivers under the weight of an old imaginary pain my heart brought everything with it when it shattered on that pavement and again the sun welcomes me coldly above ground to then greet me when I walk into the practice a cage against my thoughts Sarah’s smile shines and I’m stunned through patient after patient lunch break in silence I’m really starting to hate neon lights I’m fine really no I don’t want to talk about it thanks and again in my office to barely hold back my tears clenching my fists and going on till six and then leaving the sunlight sliding through the buildings the street lights that flicker alive slowly lighting up the evening and my empty apartment I didn’t pay the bill again the rent is due tomorrow I forgot to buy milk again nobody reminds me anything anymore I pretend I can’t find reasons I need you when you’re not here _I never had anything that wasn’t you._


	2. Returns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First paragraph is POV John, the second is POV Sherlock

Almost every night I see you fall fly in the grey humid air of this city that stopped that agonises like me and you say goodbye and fall blood is everywhere and your cold pulse you know I wouldn’t have understood the paramedics stretchers all my life crumbling before me and waking up every morning is so difficult thin walls I’m late on rent again the coffee is burns the tea is rotting in its box I stopped drinking it I’m out of milk again but I’ll remember too late again and the underground is busy not one place to sit I stopped taking cabs you know I’m still somewhat afraid the handrails are cold some wet sleepy commuters I struggle to breath sometimes I think you’re watching me and maybe I’m letting you down and I smile imagining your voice and the exact words you’d say and I miss you I miss you so much the practice is busy and I work without thinking about you Sarah smiles on our lunch break she sits next to me and doesn’t talk just smiles and remembers just as I do and doesn’t believe me when I say I’m fine really I’m getting over what happened it’s not true Sherlock it’s not true that I’m getting over it I still miss you I still wake up screaming your name I still think about you and sometimes I feel like crying but then I feel you watching wherever you may be now and I stop because I can almost really hear your disappointed voice echoing in this empty strange apartment war is a distant nightmare every day I put myself under siege and go on I’m only alive because I feel you I wait for you and I know you’re watching you’re there you’ll come back don’t die I scream each time don’t die for me and some night you don’t and air is lighter and I can almost see you but always miss you and I’m sorry and I’ll wait as always there’s tea and milk _come back_.

I changed my name country past but never my aim that stays that resonates revenge I breathe your absence and it chokes me more each time each minute is one more since I died and one less before I can come alive again for you in our house and I can imagine your smile and your punches and I’ll let you be you’ll be able to scream and insult me I wait for your embrace every person I kill every plot I uncover every thread I rip from the insane web that almost trapped us that brought me to jump to save you to save all of you you knew it from the beginning I could never hide it from you you just pretended not to see and thank you because it was so helpful not to have to remove my mask you could see through it anyway I know now I understood like I never understood why you stayed the only thing I missed the only piece of your jigsaw puzzle coming home I’ll buy milk I never did it and the tea you always used to make I know you don’t drink it anymore and I’ll come by cab because you’ll recognise it and I won’t miss anything anymore it won’t be long till I’m back to you I’m coming back John I know you never believed in anything except in me you believe in me and you refused my goodbye I know and I thank you for that I know that you stayed and you’ll come back when I come back that you’re waiting even though I can’t almost believe it I can’t hope for it maybe you moved on you forgot me but no you would never you won’t ever just like war these things mark you too deeply I know that too I miss everything wait for me I’m _coming back_.


	3. Earl Grey

The blue light from the phone screen and a message he thought would never come has sent him spiralling in confusion everything crashing down every excuse every shield built up over three years falls down in a new quivering uncertainty and he can’t believe that after months he had managed to close every door every box hide every memory and move on every day breathing a little better seeing a little further building himself up again piece by piece through every second he spent not thinking not remembering until he couldn’t hear his voice anymore see his face recall moments lived with him and he found himself with eighteen months of void throbbing and painful to look at a vortex a promise of sweet agony in which to fall again but no he walked away from danger and it had been three years and now he’s choking again and everything is cracking open every memory bright deafening alive ready to drown him again and only now he realises how stupid he had been to think he could ever forget completely about him and start again without issues and as he runs foolish eyes and throbbing heart he realises that for the first time in three years his hand isn’t shaking despite the sky crumbling on his back and the entire city disappearing around him in suffocating wreathes of smoke and his mind boiling with nostalgia desire fear joy and maybe it’s a trap but he recognises the number it’s his he remembers and of course he knew he’d be back he knew it like you know that earth spins around the sun he shivers with a smile flooded with a wild joy. He knew it! He knew it! The door is open a smell of Earl Grey how long it had been since he had last drunk it it’s pervading the stairs and he’s running towards a voice as familiar as ancient lullabies from grandmothers those that fill childhood memories and a white light from behind the wallpaper ripping exploding and then everything gone.

He woke up panting crying shivering it was only a dream it was all fake he had gone months without dreaming him and now he had to start all over again the number of his therapist was somewhere near the phone and Sarah’s on speed dial on his mobile he would have grabbed it if only he could move but he was paralysed by anxiety tears wouldn’t leave his eyes and shivers wouldn’t leave his limbs so tired despite his sleep so strange he had thought he had really forgotten everything but in just a few seconds all had come back to fill his mind every moment detail fragment had gone back to rebuilt those eighteen months that felt so distant and yet so close they left him breathless and the smell of Earl Grey that he thought he didn’t know anymore he didn’t understand why although he was awake it still filled his nostrils and the squalid dusty studio flooded with day light now that his heart had slowed down and his ears could hear the silence he felt some noises from his tiny kitchen noises he knew and a low warm voice painfully familiar but it was a joke it was still a dream it couldn’t be true.

Some steps a sigh a smile hands around a mug shocked stares shaky breaths warm tears muffled screams _silence_.

And then Sherlock murmured:

«Good morning John.»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading ♥

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in 2011, posted it for the first time in 2013, and only now for some reason decided to dig it up, translate it and post it here. I don't know if this works as it does in the original language (and I don't know if it works in that either). I know it's a weird fic, but it's one of the works I'm most attached to because it felt like I had produced some good fucking poetic stuff back then.   
> I really hope you like it.  
> If you do, it would mean the world to me if you let me know ♥


End file.
